Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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