my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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