i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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