Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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