I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
