I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
