Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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