I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
