I cannot find my penis.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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