i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
