half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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