sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You left your phone here
Wait...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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