Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
