doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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