Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
