My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
