im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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