Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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