I feel great
I just peed on a car
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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