You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
there is glitter all over my balls
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