You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
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