Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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