Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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