In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
it's great music for shaving your balls
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
