VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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