My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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