My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
