One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My liver just broke up with me...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
