Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
