Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
