You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
