You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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