They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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