Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The power of my boobs compel you
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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