My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
