Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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