1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
