I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
