we're chasing vodka with high fives
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Randomize
