It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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