I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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