So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
