That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
