last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
