i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
