he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She's the barista slut.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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