Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
