HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I queefed so loud it echoed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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