btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
