so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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