I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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