i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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