The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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