If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
