can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
pray to the hookup gods
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
