So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
