Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize