im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
