She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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