I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
