i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
