hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
