There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so that wasnt chicken after all
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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